The Problem Was Never Me

For context on this piece: I’m not blaming my mom. There comes a certain time and age where you have to take accountability and do the work, and that’s exactly what I’m doing.

But tonight reminded me that even after all the healing I’ve done, I still have work to do. Still have wounds to tend to. And that’s okay.

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Back when I worked as a pharmacy technician, I started a new job in Charlotte, North Carolina, after moving from Atlanta where I’d lived for almost 15 years. I was working as a traveling project manager helping pharmacies in Harris Teeter with their new systems.

One day, the manager came in for a meeting. During that hour, I glanced down at my Apple Watch once or twice. At the end of the meeting, she pulled me aside and said, “I noticed you looking at your watch a lot. You kept looking down.”

I explained, “Oh, I was just checking messages because it kept beeping.” I don’t remember exactly what she said after that, but the fact that she brought it to my attention at all made me feel like she was trying to control me.

After my shift ended, I did what I thought I was supposed to do, I went to the person I trusted most, the person I thought could understand me: my mom.

I told her, “I had an annoying day at work today. Our manager came in and basically scolded me for looking down at my Apple Watch a couple of times because it beeped.”

Instead of saying, “Well, that’s ridiculous” or “You were just looking at it, you didn’t talk on it,” she said something I will never forget:

“Whenever a problem arises and somebody brings a problem to you, always think you’re the problem first. Never assume you didn’t do anything wrong. Always think through what you did wrong first.”

Fast forward almost five years later. I’m standing outside a restaurant in Los Angeles, trying to order my Waymo home, and my card declines because of a timezone banking issue. And my first thought? What did I do wrong? Why me? What’s the problem?

Not just that night, this has happened so many times. I’ve always thought I was the problem first. I’ve always put someone else’s comfort before my own.

So this is the story of realizing I’m glad I’m healing. Because my mom’s advice to put everyone else first before myself had me in therapy for yrs and I am still healing that wound.